Today, I am humbled to welcome Alyssa. She collaborated in writing this beautiful piece on how to help a grieving mother. Being one herself, I am so beyond grateful for her servant’s heart to use her own story in hopes to help other mothers.
For privacy and personal reasons, she has chosen to keep her last name private. Alyssa and I connected on Facebook a couple of weeks ago and, during a particular conversation, she mentioned she would like to open up on “From Moms to Moms”.
Read the full story. It’s a powerful statement of faith, humility, and a heart that has been broken but is still directed to the sky.
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By Alyssa, July 2021
Hello, everyone!
If you’ve read the introduction to this piece, you might be thinking it will be a sad one. In honesty, it might be. But take heart: hope is near!
My name is Alyssa, and I have lost my child.
My son was 3 and a half years old when he died from cancer, back in 2018. It will be three years this November, and I still remember every second of his life with me.
I know you will ask “how was it”, so I will get to it: it was quick. From the time we heard the news from his doctor, to the time of his passing, we had a little over 4 months together.
It was, as you can expect, the hardest thing I have ever been through in my 37 years. And that’s saying a lot: I am an adopted daughter of an alcoholic father and a materialistic mother, whose faces I have not seen since I was 18.
But losing my child is easily the greatest pain I have ever experienced.
Why am I here?
I want to tell you how to help a grieving mother.
When Evelyn and I first started talking, I felt this burst of light in my heart as if I was being called. She was so careful in even asking me if sharing my story was something I would be interested in doing, that it almost made me laugh.
Not because it was “funny”, but because the whole time I was also wondering if she would even be interested in having me share a few words.
Ironic, no? We were both feeling this awkwardness to pop the question. And that’s one of the reasons why I think it’s so important for me to be here talking about it.
Death will always be a tough subject to speak about. And hearing a mother talk about the loss of her only child is almost unbearable to sit through.
But that’s the first thing I want to tell you:
#1: listen to them talking about their lost child.
Every experience is different, and of course, everyone is different. But what I went through, and the connections I have made to other mothers that have gone through the same event I did since then, taught me that most if not all grieving mothers want to be heard.
And that might bring you pain and an almost uncontrollable wish to run away. Because hearing a mother speak about the death of her child cuts deep into our souls and stings. I understand it. But it still needs to happen, if your goal is really to help a grieving mother.
There were times that all I wanted was to cry while talking about my son. How he was like, his silly traits, his milestones, the life events he would never get to experience. But, I am saddened to say that it was hard to find a listening ear.
Most people I would speak to got extremely uncomfortable, and did one of three things:
- Got extremely emotional started crying more than I was. This is tricky because, YES, it is okay to cry and feel emotional. In fact, it helps if you cry with us. The difficult thing for me was that more times than I can count, I ended up having to comfort the person that was listening to me, and often times I had to reassure them that chances were the same thing would not happen to them.
- Started mentioning other horrible situations that have happened to other people as a way to unintentionally minimize what I was going through. Things like “at least he was loved, he wasnt kidnapped or sold for parts” do not help. And yes, this was an actual conversation someone had with me.
- Or, what was worse for me: they started saying: “you will be okay… you can have other children“.
That… that hurt. More than I can say.
And this leads me to my second advice:
#2: know when to be silent.
Helpful advice is like a breath of fresh air for grieving mothers, but that is in all honesty hard to achieve. If you don’t know if you are giving helpful advice, please ponder before speaking.
As I said, hearing “I could/would have other children” was the worst thing I could’ve heard at that time. And I am not saying my aunt had bad intentions, she didn’t. She was hurting too. I know she is a kind, loving woman who was “just talking”.
And that is why it is so imperative to know when to be silent. Because at the time you are there to help your grieving friend, it is all about her. And there are times when she simply needs to be heard.
But, besides listening to her, there are some other practical ways to lend a hand (and a heart):
#3: be of (actual and practical) help.
This means: give her food gift cards so she does not need to buy groceries and cook.
Text her and say you are coming over to clean (don’t ask if she “needs it”, trust me, she does). But if you do come over to clean, don’t get into the child’s room/things unless she asks you to. Do the heavy lifting: bathrooms, vacuuming, mopping, doing the dishes.
Prepare homemade frozen meals and drop them off.
Send her non-kid-related presents: a box of chocolates, a basket of fresh fruit, a new set of bedsheets.
Refill her subscriptions: Netflix, Hulu, Spotify…
Offer to take her out, and don’t feel offended if she says no.
Detail her car. Sweep her front porch. Mow her lawn.
#4: be there for her husband.
This one hit me hard, back in the day. I just could not bear doing any of my “wife duties”. But at the same time, I did not want some “other woman” swooping in. It was a difficult symmetry to deal with.
So, I would like to tell you what I wish someone would’ve done for me:
It would have made that period of my life easier if someone had sent their husbands to speak to my husband, take him out, distract him.
Or sent in a dry cleaner to collect laundry and drop them off. Or sent my husband a care package. Taken him out to get a haircut.
Not because I wasn’t important, but because I was treated as if only I mattered. And although he didn’t say anything, I could see it in his eyes that he was hurting over the fact no one seemed to care about his devastation as much as mine.
We both lost a child. And I was not able to care for him. We were in pain, lost, and broken. And when the help came, it was usually for me, not for him.
I wish someone had cared for him when I couldn’t, so he didn’t need to go through it alone.
#5: respect her time.
It may take her 5 years to recover. It may take her 10. Or it may take her a month. It is not up to you to decide her healing timeline.
I say that because it has been three years for me, and I have not yet fully recovered. It is hard for me to get to know (through gossip, the worst) that some of my friends and family members basically “mock” me, saying things like “life goes on”, “at this point I think she just likes the attention”.
At the same time, another mother in my support group was able to “get going” a few weeks after she lost her daughter. And she, too, has to deal with the judgment of people saying things like “wow, I would never recover! How do you manage to be so okay with it?”.
The way a mother grieves is her own. It is not your place to understand what she is going through. It is your place to be there for her if you wish to do so.
My final advice to help a grieving mother:
I am sorry your friend is going through the loss of a child, and I am sorry you are dealing with it too. When we care about someone, their pain becomes a little bit ours.
But I am glad she has someone that cares so deeply to be reading up on how to help her. It is amazing that you love her enough to do this.
So my final advice for you is: continue caring. Whether it’s been a week, a year, or ten. Continue loving her. Because even if she “moves on”, she never truly will.
With love,
Alyssa.
Thank you so much to Alyssa for opening up and being so raw with the purest intention of helping YOU.
Leave some love below for Alyssa by sending her a message <3
PATRICIA says
It is like this post was made for me! My best friend is in this terrible situation and I didnt know how to help her until now. THANK YOU ALISSA for doing this and Evelyn for having this section, it is a God sent!
evelynrountree says
Patricia, I’m sorry your friend is going through this! And I’m so glad this post could help you! Please let me know if you’d like to talk or anything else <3
Erica says
So wonderful to hear these great ideas of how to actually help, listen & be there in one of a friends greatest times of need and pain! Sending virtual hugs , so sorry for your loss but thank you for being willing to speak on this!
evelynrountree says
I agree! So much great advice to deal with a situation we never want to experience – or see our friends experiencing. But, when those moments do happen it is good to know how we can help <3
Clara deBlank says
Thank you for sharing this blog post and to your guest for sharing her story. I went thu something like this last years and wish someone had done these things for me as well. beautiful written and very helpful thank you!
evelynrountree says
Aw Clara, I’m sorry you went through this! I’m here for you! <3