How I took charge of my emotions and snuck in some alone time as a stay-at-home mom.
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As a stay-at-home mom for the past 3 years, I can tell you one thing: sometimes it can get really overwhelming. Craving alone time was something that weighed on me every day.
Granted, it’s an immense joy to be able to be with your kids, raise them, watch them grow and evolve day in and day out. Even more so for the “special times”, such as the first time walking or learning to talk. Being there for all of the milestones is priceless.
Even though it is a joyful and positive emotional experience, it can still become draining and exhausting at times.
I had two babies within 2 years, and they are 19 months apart. When my daughter was just reaching the stage of becoming extremely talkative and energetic, demanding attention and stimulation constantly, I gave birth to my boy.
From that point on, I started craving some “me time” more and more. As my boy started growing past the newborn stage and was awake more hours in the day, it started getting extremely tiring. On top of that, nights were exhausting, since we co-slept with my daughter, plus I had the baby by my bed.
I was also breastfeeding two kids on a pretty intense schedule: my daughter has always been an avid nurser and my baby demanded milk 24/7. I was drained beyond words.
With a husband working full time, and mostly not being able to afford a nanny (even for a few times a week), I cooped up inside my apartment for weeks. I would go for little walks, or take my daughter to the playground in the apartment complex, but I would rarely, if ever, go out. And if I did, I would have them both with me. Always.
Time went by and I was desperate for some alone time.
Feeling guilty for wanting to be away from my kids was overwhelming, to say the least. Craving alone time felt like not appreciating what I had.
It was difficult for me to express my emotions about wanting some alone time because on top of being embarrassed for feeling so overwhelmed when I had “just two kids”.
I also had a super hard time communicating it to my husband, who would leave for work at 6 AM, come back past 7 PM, and still work most weekends on his personal company. He was righteously exhausted from his own days, and it was hard for him to comprehend that I needed a break.
My husband didn’t understand the whole “mom burnout” thing.
In fact, neither did I!
But the thing that weighed on me the most was the MOM GUILT. I was beating myself up constantly for even desiring to be away from my kids. A voice that would flow through my brain was telling me things like: “What kind of a mother are you? You have the opportunity to raise your own children. They are healthy, they are beautiful, they are thriving. Why would you ever want to be away from them? Don’t you see how blessed you are? Most women would kill to have a chance to be at home with their kids”.
It was a battle within myself for sure. Do you ever feel like that? As if you were so “ungrateful” or not appreciative enough of what you have by wanting a little time away from it? I know I did.
How I took charge of demanding some alone time
By the time my daughter was 2,5 years old and my son was just turning one, I started navigating these feelings of guilt and shame a little better. And it was imperative for me to be intentional in my own thoughts.
When I needed some alone time as a stay-at-home mom, I would follow a guideline that I made for myself to accomplish that. Following these steps took time and energy, but it helped me get the relief I needed and still be able to enjoy it.
Here is what I personally did whenever I needed alone time, which usually happened in the early evening:
- I did all my chores early in the day so that I could enjoy my alone time without worrying about what I still had to do.
- I skipped or adjusted my son’s morning nap to put both of them to sleep at the same time after lunch, even if he was a little cranky from this change.
- I cooked dinner early, usually something that was easy to warm up. I bathed the kids a little earlier than usual and put them to sleep just about when my husband was getting home.
- I would inform my husband that everything was taken care of and that I would go out for an X amount of time.
I could never say this enough: every family is different! Craving alone time might look different for you.
A lot of people would probably say that if you need alone time as a stay-at-home mom, you should just take it and not worry about other chores and tasks. And if you can do that, more power to you! I admire you and am honestly a little jealous.
But this is what works for me personally. I am someone that cannot relax while there are things left to check off of my to-do list. Therefore, I need to find that balance for mentally allowing myself to rest. And that balance for me is knowing I have done at least most of my chores before I take time to relax.
It also gave me peace of mind to go out alone (or take a 2-hour long bath with the bedroom’s door locked) knowing my husband wouldn’t have that much to worry about after working all day.
Not because he wasn’t capable or even willing, but because my control-freak self didn’t want to be worrying if he had bathed the kids the right way or left the kitchen a stormy mess.
It was easier for ME to know things were in order and, therefore, I could enjoy alone time. While my husband is perfectly capable and willing of doing anything and everything himself, this is how things work best in our family.
It made sense for me to get my work done, so I didn’t need to worry about it. It also made my husband more inclined to not argue about me leaving him alone with the kids. Little battles are won during preparation!
Other ways to get time away from the kids as a stay-at-home mom when you are craving alone time:
There are many other ways to soak in some alone time during the day without depending on your partner. If you can spare the change, these options can help you not only get time away from the kids but also add in some much-needed activities and adult interactions.
- Find camps, classes, or drop-in daycare that you can go to a couple of times a week.
- Have a rotating schedule arrangement with a friend or family member about watching each other’s kids once a week so you both get alone time.
- Join a gym that offers childcare (LA Fitness, YMCA, and Life Time Fitness are just some of them).
- Have a trusted nanny on call. Most nannies charge between $10-15 per hour, so you might be able to budget a visit for a few hours per week.
- Many churches offer parents-night-out once a month, when they watch your kids for a few hours during the evening so you and your partner can go out on a date. Check your local church to see if they have this opportunity.
- Most local libraries also offer baby and toddler art classes or storytime, sometimes for free! You will still need to be there, but your kids will be distant from you in their own little groups. It’s a good chance to put on your earphones, read a good book and enjoy some quiet time while your kids are within eye distance but not pulling your clothes for more snacks.
Understanding that it was okay to take time for myself was the most important step to enjoy my alone time.
Working on my own mom-guilt was crucial for me to enjoy alone time. You should always feel safe owning your feelings, and also know that we all feel overwhelmed at times.
Having kids is not for the faint of heart and we as humans crave adult interaction and conversations, let alone when you are the primary caregiver of little humans and are with them 24/7: for every meal, activities, playtime, tantrum times, diaper changes, sickness, moody behavior… it’s definitely not easy.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with needing a break from your kids, and it absolutely does not mean you love them any less.
I once, many years before becoming a mom, watched an interview with supermodel Gisele Bündchen, and her words stuck with me for all of these years.
She said (and I’m paraphrasing this by my own memory because I couldn’t find the old interview to transcript her exact words) “I will give him all that I can, but it’s also important to refill and recharge myself because if I give away absolutely everything I got, I will have nothing left to give”.
So, take that break as often as you can and for as long as it makes sense for you. Express your needs and feelings to your partner if you have one, and if you don’t, create your own guideline to help you achieve your “me time”.
When you plan well, and put some “thinking” into it, you can definitely get things set in a way that allows you to refill and recharge yourself, so that you always have more to pour onto your family.
I’m rooting for you, mom! And, as always, I am proud of you for being a stay-at-home mom and giving so much of yourself to raising good human beings.
Regina says
Love