How is it possible to feel anger towards someone you (probably) love more than you love yourself?
Anger is a very strong feeling in my opinion. It’s something you feel towards politics, criminals, war. It shouldn’t be something you dare to feel toward your own child, right?!
The thing is, our kids can sometimes make us angry. I know for myself there were countless occasions when I just stared at my toddler and she stared back at me with a terrified look on her face – I can only imagine what my own face actually looked like for her to show such a scared expression.
Every time that would happen, I would go online and research what I should do when I felt angry with my kids and ALL of them gave me the same answers:
- Walk away to calm yourself down
- Think happy thoughts
- Scream into a pillow
- Count to ten (or one thousand)
Even worse, some others would say “aweeeee, just remember that someday you will miss this phase” yada yada yada.
I would feel so frustrated reading that, because if they were all saying the same thing and those things didn’t work for me, that means that the problem was ME, right?!
But the truth is, those things were SO not working for me. Walking away for a few minutes just cause my kids to chase me around crying and screaming, and if I locked the door they would stay right there nocking (more like banging) on it. Going for a drive alone when you are a stay-at-home mom to two toddlers isn’t an option… like ever. Screaming into a pillow just made me irritated because I couldn’t breathe. Counting to one gazillion wouldn’t be enough.
And the latter, I knew for a fact that someday I would “miss this phase” already. I knew that my kids were precious, beautiful, and loved. I knew that it was a moment of fragility or just a bad day.
So how do you navigate this feeling when you are already so aware of your own emotions?
Stay-at-home Mom Series: Craving alone time. Check it out here!
Understanding my anger
You know when you hear about someone, somewhere, that had a breakthrough about their own feelings and emotions?
Usually, the story goes somewhat like this:
“Sooooooo, bro, I looked into the sunset and out of the blue an eagle flew by and a single feather fell off from it and landed right on my shoulder! Instantly I realized that I was feeling so anxious because when I was two years old my cousin laughed at me because I fell at the playground and because of that now I’m scared of kids”.
In other words, it always seems like some kind of revelation that makes you truly understand the feelings you are feeling and then move on from them.
Sadly, that never happened to me.
I wish there was a moment in my life that would be the “cause” for me ever getting angry at my kids. But the truth is… there isn’t!
I get angry with my kids because I have a heart that beats and a brain that (luckily) functions. I have a body that gets exhausted from sleepless nights and endless chores. I get bored from the lack of adult interaction. There is a point when I just can’t bare changing another doll’s outfit. Or a baby diaper. Or making 7 meals a day.
And so, getting angry with my kids encompasses a daily ritual that sometimes is just Too. Freaking. Boring.
Do you ever feel like that? Like the days are just plain and simple boring?
Let’s not confuse boring with “doing nothing”. You can do one thousand things per minute on your day and it still be boring. It doesn’t mean that it’s always boring. Not even that you’d like to be living differently. It simply means that right there, at the moment, you lack something.
What are you lacking in your own life that makes you angry at your kids from time to time?
For me, what I’m usually lacking is a combination of free time + not feeling guilty. Mom-guilt is the number #1 “issue” in my motherhood journey and it has caused me to have countless panic attacks in the course of the years (more on this later).
I have always been a “free-spirited” person. I would go out to eat at 11 PM at night if I wanted to, I would wake up early on a Saturday morning, pack a bag and start driving until I ended up somewhere cool.
My husband and I had dates weekly, and before I got married I was always surrounded by friends, life was loud and agitated.
Granted, I started changing my personally way before I had kids. I wasn’t all that interested in going out late, I reconnected with God in ways I hadn’t ever before, the “party girl” was gone and buried. So that’s not really what was lacking in my life.
The main thing I missed (and miss) is freedom. The freedom to just get up and leave. To grocery shop in peace. Heck, to use the bathroom in peace!
Once your become a mom, those things are gone for a while. And I’m still in the “while”.
And so, while I agree with many of the advices I’ve heard, I’ve been slowly finding out what works for me.
And that is, number 1, feel my anger. Give me a good 5 minutes to just be angry (away from the kids) and not try to simply “snap out of it”.
Number 2, validate my emotions. Take a few seconds to really think “I am angry because this sucks”, “I am angry because I have just mopped and they threw crackers all over the floor again”, “I am angry because they didn’t sleep all night and now still refuse to nap”, “I am angry because I miss going out alone”. Those are very real reasons that a human being would get angry about.
Number 3, try not to trip myself into the “guilt” spiral. Things like “there are moms with kids in the hospital and here I am angry at them for drawing on the walls” are just out of context here. True, it’s always good to acknowledge your blessings of having healthy, happy kids and a family to care for. But saying things like that invalidate your feelings and, therefore, you don’t work through them. You have a right to feel your emotions.
Number 4: this is a classic. I don’t mean to sound cheesy, but this needs to be said: do not act in anger. And that’s for everything, especially when it’s about your kids. I am sure you know this, but kids aren’t born malicious or manipulative. They are learning how to navigate through their own little feelings and it’s as hard for them as it is for you, if not more. It’s true: they do not understand WHY they can’t ask the same questions 300 times within a minute even after you’ve told them the answer.
So, for me, I take a beat. If I feel angry, I will step away and let myself feel angry. Cry if I have to. Scream if I need to – and not into a pillow. I will then come to them and explain, word by word, why I am angry. Not yelling, but sometimes I am crying. And crazy enough, they understand!
Just today, for example. It was one of those days when a stay-at-home-mom like me just wishes she could fly away to another galaxy and have a chit-chat with an (adult, preferably) alien.
My kids didn’t sleep at all the night before. My son is teething, my daughter wanted to be in my bed, which means I was up pretty much all night alternating between the two of them. Then, come the morning, my daughter kept on whining for pineapple for breakfast – which of course was the ONE fruit I didn’t have. So, that was fun.
Lunchtime and they usually lay down for their nap right at 12. She refused to sleep. I stayed in the room for over an hour trying, and she simply didn’t sleep. At almost 2 PM, I gave up and came out with her so that her brother could sleep (they share a room).
As the day went by, things kept on getting worse. I had tired, cranky kids, all while I was tired and cranky myself. It was pouring rain outside so we couldn’t even go to the playground or to the pool for distraction.
I tried painting, play doh, building blocks, reading books, making a fort/tent… nothing worked.
“In order for me to comprehend that, I had to first acknowledge, validate and allow my feelings to pour… so that I could let them go“.
By the night time, believe or not, my daughter STILL refused to sleep. And I was at my wits end.
After an hour of trying to get her to sleep, I came out of the room, went to my husband and just LET-IT-ALL-OUT!
“I GIVE UP! I CAN’T DO THIS! SHE WON’T SLEEP! SHE KEEPS WAKING HIM (her brother) UP! I CAN’T DEAL WITH HER ANYMORE! I’M OUT!”
And I slammed the door on my way out of the room. It was NOT good behavior for your kid to see. I knew that, I felt that, but I couldn’t help myself. I was angry, tired, full-on wacko from exhaustion.
My husband went and picked her up. Took her into our bedroom and sat with her and told her to cry, scream, whatever she wanted. She was in there with him for a good 15 minutes just crying. And then… silence.
They both came out and she ran to me, and said: “I’m really sorry mommy”.
While they were in the room and she was having a meltdown, I was out in the living room having a meltdown of my own. I cried and downed a glass of wine and just felt that anger. So by the time she was hugging me, I was squeezing her back saying “I’m sorry too, mommy is just super tired”.
You see… the both of us didn’t have a good day. It’s easy for me to forget that the tiny human yelling at me isn’t doing that to just make me angry, and it’s even easier for me to ignore that all while I’m having all these angry feelings, my almost 3-year-old little girl was getting pretty angry at me too.
But in order for me to comprehend that, I had to first acknowledge, validate and allow my feelings to pour… so that I could let them go.
What about you? Have you ever felt angry with your kids? How did you navigate through that?
Rachel says
So much sincere truth here! Thanks for sharing your insights on what so many moms feel.